Part 32: No end in sight

Funny thing about letting things sit for a long time. I haven't visited this blog and many years, haven't even thought of it in probably four. And now I'm dictating to a phone that Google is cloud translating on the fly. Certain departure from chicken pecking away into an old MacBook.

Revisiting something can never be the same as living it nor even the same as a previous revisit. Grasping at straws isn't quite what I would call nostalgia, but it might be too familiar a refrain, something that is tangible but not available. Tip of the tongue, top of the head, just out of reach, slipping through my fingers... Seems we can hardly keep up with ourselves quite enough to not miss those moments. The subconscious only providing the elusive glimpses.

Story and song, images, words, all manner of wonderful tools, coping mechanisms really, to help the collective memory. The metamorphosis of the stories is possibly the most telling and dryly interesting story. Certainly not the best one.

Maybe I'm not so far removed from the precocious arrogance of that different man , a previous self, on the hunt and peck. Still living on the same thread, just on the other side of a few knots. The sensation of flow, the continuity and endless quality of a stream, wild turns and shapes and sounds, the observable effects on the surroundings, all makes the analogue between time and water awfully strong for happenstance. We just have a bit of time we call 'our life', which is unanimously too short. It all has the frustrating quality of always changing yet being made up of the same.

Opportunity lays in wait, wild breath remaining to be inhaled. The landmarks are formed on their own accord. The only way to know is to go. Wise people tell us, all the rest will fall in place. Must have been sitting here for a long time.

The pros and cons of 'Making Elevens'.

So what am I writing about here.... Ok. Just pointing it and hoping that it goes, can (most-times) be a bad idea. That is a style, that if put together correctly it can make unusual lines, huge airs, and good recoveries. But the problem is nobody cares about recoveries. They want to see stomps. That is why it is left to payed athletes. But really keeping recoveries in films brings something that is real about skiing. Whether it is an outside edge getting caught, or cartwheels with skis on, we have those moments every day, and a strong save is great to watch. At every mountain around the world, when people click in they don't want to come out again until they are ready. Nothing is worse that losing a ski, losing your balance, going over the handle bars, getting sloughed out. But, nothing is better than having all that and worse happen to you, and then still coming away skiing at the bottom.
Those wiser than me are more patient because of their close calls. Those less persistent than me are quitting. Those more bold are blind to their brushes. At some point we have all had a moment of foresight the instant before it happens, and it is not looking good for you. But instead of closing your eyes and clinching every muscle as hard as you can, and we looked it in the eye and said 'not today buddy'. Got ourselves back on or feet before anyone could see you go down. And we were empowered. And the next tumble, because we know it'll happen, we have the notion to pull our shit together mid-crash, and we almost have it, but we still get thrashed.
The 'Almost Saved' category is long indeed. But that doesn't bum us out, no way, that is a source of stories and reminders and insights. It can take a stiff lash of the whip to make the blur go away, but more importantly you have to remember what clarity you've found. Not being able to recall those lessons means you will not move forward, do not pass go, you have failed.
The harsh reality is that our experiences are what determines how we feel. Most people go around acting on their feelings and thoughts. And ultimately it is our actions that determine our experience. Yes, there are random happenings. Yes, some people are that unlucky. But having control over the people you surround yourself with, and your own mental and physical state is all we have. Putting yourself on the line, repeatedly, is a thrill for some, a habit for others, or just how you react to your own experiences. In any case, the bottom line is 'you play with fire you will get burned'. And when you go all in for that last time, you will be at the asylum or the morgue. If you have come to terms with that and continue to send blindly into the unknown, keep on keeping on. The moments that last are intimately close to the things that nobody cares to remember but cant forget. No risk, no reward. I only hope that I mature soon enough, that I can better understand myself, and play big on the winning hand. All it takes is a bit of strategic betting, and I bet that I will have multiple close calls and minor moments, both good and bad, en route to the one that makes it all worth it. And how sweet it will be.

Experiences are just a consequence, but they are also teh driving force.

Sore Toes

I have spent the last two weeks jammin my own toes. Busy working. Hallelujah. But it still makes me sore and tired. Wears me out in the right way. The heavy snow doesn't hurt, while not helping. It is just so good right now, and amazing to be locking in heal. Just cant ski as well without it. Luke has been getting the neglection treatment for a bit. Make him appreciate the runs we go on every day. Sorry dude, we cany hang out all day every day. But still I feel bad. All I can hope is that the nail will fall off soon, to make a bit of room.

The only control we have over a situation once the unseen trap is sprung is our reaction. The ultimate test of our free-will is smiling when something bad happens to you. Try it, it is hard. Can we stay cool, collected, thinking for a solution, laughing it off or do we have a meltdown? Can I save this persons life or will I seize up? Can I land on my feet running and be back in the sky like it never happened? Sure. A number of great people have had there shit really together. It is special when you see people of this caliber, and sad when they are taken from us at any age. The one constant of our own heroes is that they are motivating, inspirational, we can relate to them, and aspire to be like them in some way. It is even more impactful to be a part of that persons life and call them a friend. We are attracted to them, we feel the energy and want to build on it. We learn how to best our teachers, so we can pass it on. So here's to our heroes, and trying to make ourselves a better lander.

Let By A Gons be Bygones

A funny thing to think about, all the people doing a flip. For some reason we get a kick out of getting twisted upside down above the ground and then letting go. Just to see how it might come out. Double back lay-outs, a couple hundred thousand gymnasts. Backflips off a 20 foot cliff, more than a handful of people at Squaw. Doing a back-untilIrunoutofair at the pool, everyone. Being born properly depends on us sitting upside down when the shit really starts to go down. The very first real physical experience in our life and we go, "Whoo Hoo. Its time, head first!" We are addicted to the thrill of setting ourselves up in akward high-consequence situations. You cant get around it, we like playing with the possibilities. In the end we know that we will land eventually. Some on your head, some on your feet; you just never really know which way it will turn out until you land. Got to play the game or regret its passing, and the more riding on each hand the more alive we feel. Adrenline junkie, swinger, business man, golddigger, abusive lover, youth, whatever you want to call it in yourself. Do your self a favor, look for it until you find it. Both the sweetest rides and the darkest pits live in that part of us, becuase it is the part that will take a chance. And there is always a chance of getting burned. But still we all leap, and leap, and leap again to test if we have wings this time. To truly fly is the dream that we all share.

Production

Yesterday i spent the morning going through the Sugar Bowl new employee orientation. My goodness, I understand why they do it, but it is a painful process. No way around it.

In the afternoon, I made a dog house for Luke. It is nothing fancy but I also did not pay a dime for any materials. Thanks Kevin!! Yeah, it did cost me a six pack of beer, but cheap. Now i just need to figure out some insulation, and squeeze his big blanket in there and we are set of the winter. Well, I need to do some winterizing of my room with a blanket over teh sliding door and a sand sack to block the escaping air. But no biggy.

A couple of warm days is supposed to be followed by a big storm, and then another. Might be skiing for Turkey day.

Wouldn't You Know

Well, it is now cold. We are getting frost almost every night and the days hardly make it above 40. Frozen ground holds snow better.
Got my pass today from Sugar Bowl. Another stupid looking picture. I have a nack for it. Dont ever try to take pictures of me by telling me first. It will end up stupid. Looking at the terrain of the mountain with the first glimpses of snow, I am pretty excited. Should be an epic year.

Less exciting- I got laid off from Tuff Beanz. Yes, true. Took me three weeks to find that shitty job and they let me go after two and half months. Sucks to be scheduled for the hours when the shop is closed for the slow season. So now the money for job searching and a beacon have now been converted to rent money. Thank god for that, but now I am even further behind the eight ball. I didnt like the job much so it is a nice opportunity, but still, headaches I dont want or need. With unemployment at 15%, even a shitty job is nice.