there's something happening here

So whatever you are doing before you read this:

Stop. Take a breath. Relax. Roll your neck. Let your shoulders drop.

Ok, feel better? I bet.

The current popular drug of choice is stress.

Why would we ever let ourselves be convinced to kill ourselves?




Take a moment and imagine a community of homes. Nice houses with big lawns.
Now imagine the people that live in these homes. Families, young professionals, retirees- people of all ages and walks of life. This is a good happy community, people leave there front doors open when they are at home, there are big picnics almost every weekend, you can see kids from all over the neighborhood running together in a big pack. You may not like your neighbors, maybe they are a little crazy, or cranky, or maybe you just have different points of view. But you have no qualms about walking over to their house to ask for help, and certainly in a emergency they wouldn't even hesitate to do anything they could for you.

Seems like something out of the 50's. Some strange Utopia. Ok, so I admit it is a bit idealized, but you should at least know the people names and have a good sense of who they are. Maybe even invited them over for a drink , or a backyard BBQ. If they refuse, well you tried.

I get a sense of a community that is more than just a group of homes, businesses, planning a zoning committee and a local newspaper. It is a group of humans that are looking out for each other. Sure, they may not be your best friend but you KNOW that they would join the bucket line if your house was burning, or at least come outside to see if everyone is all right.

But that doesn't happen. The only reason they even called 911 was they were afraid that the fire might spread to their house.

When did houses stop being shelters for comfort and start being a place to hide away from everything? OR a prison? They are now a place to coup ourselves up in. To cower.

We create some many barriers between ourselves and everyone else. Sure, there are bad people, and we cant be friends with everyone. But as it stands their is hardly even the possibility of creating any kind of relationship, good or bad, becuase we have created so many shields to protect ourselves. And with no interactions, we might as well be dead, there is nothing human left in our life unless we can form some bonds and help the others around us. But maybe it is something bigger than that, maybe we cant even help ourselves, much less anyone else. We have turned a blind eye to our self destructive nature, and have let the machine grind us up so we can make a bigger buck. sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

Freedom and indivuality and blazing a new path has led so many people into a dark and lonely forest, and humans simply cant survive without some companions. Maybe they eat more than they are worth, and are a real pain to deal with. But how can you measure the strength someone gives you becuase they simply believe in you? You dont even need to be a good companion and make a big deal when someone you know makes an achievement. But why would you scorn them and make them feel guilty or be jealous? Some of that is human nature, a lot of it is taught to us by dark sinister people.

I started think about all of this becuase of my current situation. I have been living in this apartment for almost a year, directly over the owners home, and not once have I been invited to come into their home for any reason. Not once. Not for dinner, not for conversation, not for me to try and help them out with something. Nothing. There is something wrong with that. They are nice enough people when I can corner them to talk, but they are the coldest and most un-human group I have ever met. I see it the most in their kids, they are polite enough but have no idea how to carry on a conversation and actually seem interested in what the other person says. Maybe they are all just extremely awkward, or shy. But Damn, they are like vampires sucking the life out of me. I cant even imagine what it must be like to live as a part of the family. Gives me chills.

It reminds me of one of my friends who said that he lived for many years in the same building as a elderly couple, actually their doors were right across from each other, but they had never met. They had not even spoken when they bumped into each other in the hallway. No Hello. No Hi Kyle. Nothing, dead silence. Nothing said. Stuff like that blows my mind. You share a wall with a person and you know that they are right there but you just choose to ignore them. By shutting them out you create some kind of private sanctuary, and somehow it is better because you ignore them. That having some kind of relation with the person would make your house less sacred. Well, NO. I am sorry, but that is wrong. False. You have failed to be a human. You have failed at the one thing that actually matters. You are no longer able to call yourself a decent person.

A lot of people like to group it into a city/suburbs vs. small town/country type of dichotomy. I dont think that is true though. There are plenty of people in the country that live as hermits and want nothing to do with anyone, and there are friendly people that live in the city. It is not where you live, but how you live.

People have lost touch with what it means to be human, and to be part of a human community. Maybe they never really knew that in their life, but somewhere down the line their ancestors decided to cut themselves off from everything. We know that at some point they had to depend of others, otherwise the simply would have survived. But for whatever reason, money, bad experiences, crazy, or anything, they decided to not interact with anyone. Just becuase you interact with people doesn't mean you have to like them. But you cant go around acting like they dont exist.

There is another name for that--self-centered.

to infinity and beyond.....

The more time I have to sit and think the more questions I come across. It seems to me that I have not been living a life that I find satisfying. School is a great cushy job, it is like that work that you take when you have nothing else. It pays well enough in knowledge and self-satisfaction. But for me, I am over it. I have had enough of just sitting around being led along as a student. I love to learn but I am over the structure and the formality of school.

I really never wanted to be a full time academic, I guess I went to college only becuase I was smart and that is what you are supposed to do. I would have been just as happy taking an apprenticeship as a mountain guide or joining the search and rescue.

I am told that right now "geologist are in demand. You can get hired right out of school." Well thats great and all but if I never had to write another report or try to compile the most relevant information, I would not shed a single tear. To me that is what a consulting job is, just more school work. Well, no thank you. I don't care how much it pays, or travels, or another benefit that might be involved. I am sick of that stuck in the rut feeling of having strict guidelines that are in place for the sake of it. Does it really matter that much how I cite an author? Whether I should have used "that" or ", which"? Will that make or break the deal? Will my life be in jeopardy?

I am have tasted rich full life, and it doesnt belong anywhere near a desk or office. Maybe I am just a thrill seeker, adrenaline junkie, irresponsible, or what ever you want to call it. But the fact remains that I am that person that needs more than a nine to five bore fest and a month of vacation time. There is no pleasure in that, no satisfaction, no raison de vie.

The other fact of the matter is that I am ten months away from graduating for a very well known university with a Bachelors of Science, and I have worked too hard and suffered too much to let that go. I am one to finish things that I start. But after that I will actually have no mold to fit, and I cant wait for that kind of release and freedom. I am ready to start living my life.

I realize that this is just another step, soon I will want to have financial freedom, and then some other freedom, and then that type of freedom. But never the less when you are about to break out of an old habit it is exciting and can never end fast enough.

I have always thought of myself as mature for my age, but I have fallen behind as of late.

Then again, what a waste comparisons are. Another reason to be done with school.

no sabo

The last Caesar of 2008 has finally come, and it should go by faster than I hope it does.

I have got nothing to write today. I don't know anymore than the next guy. So much for the quarter million sunk into "education".

Cosmos had something so true in that "university" only teaches you how to think like them, rather than like yourself. But it takes a certain amount of wisdom to recognize great wisdoms.

Go find your own truths and lives.