well shit

hmm..... my blog has been a bit boring lately huh? whatever, i hardly have time to take a breath much less sit around writing random thoughts, although it can be a nice exercise. i am a bit jealous (i guess) of people who can allow themselves to take a leisurely attitude. i have harped on this before but i really wish i was less ambitious, or maybe just more willing to make myself happy. i dont know, i have a voice in my head that tells me to keep working hard and take opportunities as they come but i also have a deep desire to let loose a little and start enjoying things more. its something i have been struggling with fro some time, and to be frank it was very nice to not have any pressure. coterm is so tempting but i am afraid i might go crazy if i do that. the reality is that i am still a student at 22 and i still feel like i am waiting to start real life. that brings up the important question of what is real life? what is not real about the life that i am living now? i am not entirely sure, but there is one thing for certain is that i need to get out of this mind set. whenever i get stuck at the end of a quarter i want nothing more than to be gone, be in the next stage f my life, to let loose a bit, and take it easy. yeah, ok, a coterm is a fantastic opportunity, but at the same time it seems like a lot more than i can swallow. internal tumult. i have a feeling that i will beat myself up over this in the future. why couldnt i just tough it out and stay fro one more year of crazy intense grad classes and writing a long thesis? should be easy right? big cost, big reward. i think i might as well apply and then decide after i know if i got in, but at the same time keith was very clear that i should know what i want, and that it will be way too difficult to try and do it if i am not one hundred percent in. yeah, i guess doubts are not a bad thing. i would like to get that extra glory but i dont know if i am ready to pay the blood. as a matter of fact i am sure i dont want to pay the blood, but is it worth it?

no time for writing becuase i am too busy worrying

12 days

whatever you want to call it -- Dao, god's plan, the flow, great magnet, enlightenment-- there is something bigger than humans. An order that controls all things.

This order is gentle and moldable, but it has strength that can not be stopped. Water is a common metaphor becuase it flows down and is subject to the surroundings, as to what shape it takes, but eventually the surroundings will change becuase of the waters influence. And the water didn't act on the surrounding, it was simply itself.

A hard task is finding self but most have given up even trying.
But you will die.
Some will welcome it, others will fear it.
Will a shell be left, or fullity?

there's something happening here

So whatever you are doing before you read this:

Stop. Take a breath. Relax. Roll your neck. Let your shoulders drop.

Ok, feel better? I bet.

The current popular drug of choice is stress.

Why would we ever let ourselves be convinced to kill ourselves?




Take a moment and imagine a community of homes. Nice houses with big lawns.
Now imagine the people that live in these homes. Families, young professionals, retirees- people of all ages and walks of life. This is a good happy community, people leave there front doors open when they are at home, there are big picnics almost every weekend, you can see kids from all over the neighborhood running together in a big pack. You may not like your neighbors, maybe they are a little crazy, or cranky, or maybe you just have different points of view. But you have no qualms about walking over to their house to ask for help, and certainly in a emergency they wouldn't even hesitate to do anything they could for you.

Seems like something out of the 50's. Some strange Utopia. Ok, so I admit it is a bit idealized, but you should at least know the people names and have a good sense of who they are. Maybe even invited them over for a drink , or a backyard BBQ. If they refuse, well you tried.

I get a sense of a community that is more than just a group of homes, businesses, planning a zoning committee and a local newspaper. It is a group of humans that are looking out for each other. Sure, they may not be your best friend but you KNOW that they would join the bucket line if your house was burning, or at least come outside to see if everyone is all right.

But that doesn't happen. The only reason they even called 911 was they were afraid that the fire might spread to their house.

When did houses stop being shelters for comfort and start being a place to hide away from everything? OR a prison? They are now a place to coup ourselves up in. To cower.

We create some many barriers between ourselves and everyone else. Sure, there are bad people, and we cant be friends with everyone. But as it stands their is hardly even the possibility of creating any kind of relationship, good or bad, becuase we have created so many shields to protect ourselves. And with no interactions, we might as well be dead, there is nothing human left in our life unless we can form some bonds and help the others around us. But maybe it is something bigger than that, maybe we cant even help ourselves, much less anyone else. We have turned a blind eye to our self destructive nature, and have let the machine grind us up so we can make a bigger buck. sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

Freedom and indivuality and blazing a new path has led so many people into a dark and lonely forest, and humans simply cant survive without some companions. Maybe they eat more than they are worth, and are a real pain to deal with. But how can you measure the strength someone gives you becuase they simply believe in you? You dont even need to be a good companion and make a big deal when someone you know makes an achievement. But why would you scorn them and make them feel guilty or be jealous? Some of that is human nature, a lot of it is taught to us by dark sinister people.

I started think about all of this becuase of my current situation. I have been living in this apartment for almost a year, directly over the owners home, and not once have I been invited to come into their home for any reason. Not once. Not for dinner, not for conversation, not for me to try and help them out with something. Nothing. There is something wrong with that. They are nice enough people when I can corner them to talk, but they are the coldest and most un-human group I have ever met. I see it the most in their kids, they are polite enough but have no idea how to carry on a conversation and actually seem interested in what the other person says. Maybe they are all just extremely awkward, or shy. But Damn, they are like vampires sucking the life out of me. I cant even imagine what it must be like to live as a part of the family. Gives me chills.

It reminds me of one of my friends who said that he lived for many years in the same building as a elderly couple, actually their doors were right across from each other, but they had never met. They had not even spoken when they bumped into each other in the hallway. No Hello. No Hi Kyle. Nothing, dead silence. Nothing said. Stuff like that blows my mind. You share a wall with a person and you know that they are right there but you just choose to ignore them. By shutting them out you create some kind of private sanctuary, and somehow it is better because you ignore them. That having some kind of relation with the person would make your house less sacred. Well, NO. I am sorry, but that is wrong. False. You have failed to be a human. You have failed at the one thing that actually matters. You are no longer able to call yourself a decent person.

A lot of people like to group it into a city/suburbs vs. small town/country type of dichotomy. I dont think that is true though. There are plenty of people in the country that live as hermits and want nothing to do with anyone, and there are friendly people that live in the city. It is not where you live, but how you live.

People have lost touch with what it means to be human, and to be part of a human community. Maybe they never really knew that in their life, but somewhere down the line their ancestors decided to cut themselves off from everything. We know that at some point they had to depend of others, otherwise the simply would have survived. But for whatever reason, money, bad experiences, crazy, or anything, they decided to not interact with anyone. Just becuase you interact with people doesn't mean you have to like them. But you cant go around acting like they dont exist.

There is another name for that--self-centered.

to infinity and beyond.....

The more time I have to sit and think the more questions I come across. It seems to me that I have not been living a life that I find satisfying. School is a great cushy job, it is like that work that you take when you have nothing else. It pays well enough in knowledge and self-satisfaction. But for me, I am over it. I have had enough of just sitting around being led along as a student. I love to learn but I am over the structure and the formality of school.

I really never wanted to be a full time academic, I guess I went to college only becuase I was smart and that is what you are supposed to do. I would have been just as happy taking an apprenticeship as a mountain guide or joining the search and rescue.

I am told that right now "geologist are in demand. You can get hired right out of school." Well thats great and all but if I never had to write another report or try to compile the most relevant information, I would not shed a single tear. To me that is what a consulting job is, just more school work. Well, no thank you. I don't care how much it pays, or travels, or another benefit that might be involved. I am sick of that stuck in the rut feeling of having strict guidelines that are in place for the sake of it. Does it really matter that much how I cite an author? Whether I should have used "that" or ", which"? Will that make or break the deal? Will my life be in jeopardy?

I am have tasted rich full life, and it doesnt belong anywhere near a desk or office. Maybe I am just a thrill seeker, adrenaline junkie, irresponsible, or what ever you want to call it. But the fact remains that I am that person that needs more than a nine to five bore fest and a month of vacation time. There is no pleasure in that, no satisfaction, no raison de vie.

The other fact of the matter is that I am ten months away from graduating for a very well known university with a Bachelors of Science, and I have worked too hard and suffered too much to let that go. I am one to finish things that I start. But after that I will actually have no mold to fit, and I cant wait for that kind of release and freedom. I am ready to start living my life.

I realize that this is just another step, soon I will want to have financial freedom, and then some other freedom, and then that type of freedom. But never the less when you are about to break out of an old habit it is exciting and can never end fast enough.

I have always thought of myself as mature for my age, but I have fallen behind as of late.

Then again, what a waste comparisons are. Another reason to be done with school.

no sabo

The last Caesar of 2008 has finally come, and it should go by faster than I hope it does.

I have got nothing to write today. I don't know anymore than the next guy. So much for the quarter million sunk into "education".

Cosmos had something so true in that "university" only teaches you how to think like them, rather than like yourself. But it takes a certain amount of wisdom to recognize great wisdoms.

Go find your own truths and lives.

There is no secret ingredient.

I cant deny that profound lessons can come in the most unexpected forms, so really where I got this from has no bearing. But it is still funny enough that it is worth telling. There are many ways that a movie can touch you, move you, or make you think about something different. And it is even more amusing when that happens to be a animated movie about a Kung Fu master that is fat, silly and a bear.

But anyway. It was enough to make me meditate on it for about 20 minutes, and I can say that there is a lot of tranquility that lies in the panda's wisdom.

There is no secret ingredient.
We all contain our own life.
We are the extra touch that makes it work, brings it all together and opens all doors.
There is no ultimate wisdom or magic procedure to make it all O.K.
That is the whole point.
We are the piece that makes our puzzling life fall together.


Hmm... maybe I cant get it to come across in words with the same power as I feel it. But I hope that it can.

big surring out

dapple grey trip trop
heather sway dust tumble clear
buckskin never shod

Well, I am just about half way through my summer. It is about to be a downhill coast once I hit July 28. Yep, soon enough I will be back to the oh so sweet free grind. I must be a glutton for punishment the way I just keep my head down and my heart out of tune. It is supposed to be for the best, but I am starting to have my doubts. Everyday I feel more traps snap around ankles, as if the blind was leading himself.

It was just long hot day, a long dull summer, a long stint of school, a long time in the dark, a long time away, a long rope that is running out of slack, a long stirrup, too long, long enough that every time you think you caught yourself you get a nice little smack of the balls, a long ramble, a long beach full of gaudy sunbathers that lament the glory in a setting sun, a long way home, a long sore back, a long sorer soul, a long smoke trail, a short life.

Ambition is fierce. There is little room for sound thought when you have too much ambition. I want to be good at so many things, schooling in five subjects, looking, health, friendships, improving, believing, forgetting, finding, writing, dreaming, smiling, exploring, skiing, disappearing, and reappearing. I am quickly becoming a scatter brain, when I indulge in it.
I am trying to be too many things that I become nothing. Ok, not nothing, but much smaller than what can be held up to block out the sun. Ok that is not true either, just so small that I cant block out the sun when I am being narrow and judging with only a handful of the whole.

The fact is, though, that I am. Thats it, I simply am.

I simply am, not perfect, strong of mind, weak of heart, full of life, full of myself, uncertain, optimistic, confused, young, taking big bites, trying to talk too, blowing milk out my nose. I simply am human. I simply am me. I simply am.

I am shy, scared boy that was given a few good things, but wants the world. I crave to be in the spotlight, but don't want anyone to look at me, but just to wish they were me. I know I wish I were me. I want people to give me something better. I need more than what I get, but dont know what I need. I want to find comfort and solace. I want to be selfish, and not feel guilt. I want to never feel guilty. I want to feel what it is like to be me, without knowing who I was.

zap a raffa, shlimp shlop, booka kooka agggg a wagg, tally naggg, grime grip natty flim whip.

human? not me. i am anything but normal. i am me. and look at me go.

The first time I had a bad trip I imagined that I was a genius, and that everyone else could see all of these great things in me. But I doubted myself so much that I could never get out of my own head. I could never come to grips with who I was, becuase I already had a mold set up and I didnt fit in that mold. I became such a well known story that they started to write a book about me while I was living, and that just made me more self conscious and sent me over the deep end, it sent me to where I couldnt be recovered.

I think accepting the fact that I am a crazy SOB, might help. But I am not convinced. Some days are better than others, and I do believe that I have an overactive and imaginative mind.

62 days. Three score and 2 days remain. Then I can do as I want, and be me. It is the key to my mental cage. I wont stop trying to pick the lock, but I know what I need.

thin air high country
barren harsh beauty sacred
rest reason, I'm home

my fancy little coat

Maid Erian

Maid Aerian- you've flown off with the wind, in search of the tastier flavors.
Taken with you the warmth of love, a silver bullet filled to the brim, and the havoc beast.
Although, there was much despair and wet cheeks left before that old taste is lost,
We all know that you have the full day ahead and you will have to many to try.

There is always fear in the artist heart when standing at a blank canvas.
Your canvas has long been built, and the ideas are set in motion.
The background is in place and now the main event is knocking.
Dont shy, there can only be brighter shades and highlights on the far end.

The next chapter always will bring new ups, and sideways.
Only you can choose the downs, and dont ever forget,
That when looked at with a smiling face, the horrible can
Even show a tooth or two.

You were taught the whole day long, to rush and never waste a day.
That every moment you are either sinking or floating.
The only way up is to fight and not waste the extra energy.
But no day with Maid Erian is ever a waste.

You will be missed, but the thoughts shouldn't be sad.
Futures are always bright until they become the presents.
And once they rest in your hands, keep that poker face.
And always believe that you feed from the top, and you will.

haiku me twice to day

gray mountain covered
little bird hops to catch meal
promises of warmth

habit left for dead
another hurdle gone past
happy step toward day

alone twig flexes
long gusts push every way
bending not to break

cold night befriended
burst of sun whispers awake
steam with leaves revive

calm tumble sharp splay
twist needle rich vanilla
pungent desert fruit

blanketed silence
welcoming soft shapes shine bright
grey wisps leave short trail

hidden artwork

The excitement of writing for this blog has worn off, and I suppose that the time gaps will be much more erratic from here on. I had original said that I was writing this for myself, and that others may take some pleasure in it. Well, many times I had an audience in mind, otherwise I wouldn't have gone into such long explanations or allegories. Also, a few of the posts are rather uninspired and just lack. I cant expect myself to have great things to write about all the time, so why force it?

I just finished reading The Book of Tea, which is a interesting piece of history and insight into tea culture in the orient. I was drawn to read the book by Kerouac, or more specifically Jaffy. And no doubt the book goes into great lengths to present the proper way to enjoy the simplicity and beauty of life, but I also found the author to be very defensive and making many moral arguments. I think that he lost sight of the prospect of simply describing the culture surrounding Tea-ism, and allowing the reader to decide. I looked back on some of my writings and found that it wasn't enough for me either to allow the details sing their own song. I had to put my own spin and suggestions to the reader, making it very clear that I did have an audience in mind. But I also believe that my personal experiences are what give my thoughts any sway.

So what is it about Buddism, Zennism, Taoism that has such a specific appeal to me? Maybe it is my search for calm, and a sync between mind, body and soul. Maybe it is the fact that I find the most beautiful things to be the ones that defy description, and that any attempt to write them down is a vain stab in the dark. That is much of what those religions speak to, it has to be your own story. Explanations can maybe help one come to their own conclusions, but you can never force someone to see with your eyes. But at the same time I feel some of the beauty of the realization is lost when you are lead to it.

When you stumble upon a brook, or a particularly welcoming meadow, on a walk in the woods, it can feel as though you are the first one to lay eyes on this place. In a way it becomes a sacred or a special destination and moment of discovery. It is an entirely different feeling to have a companion when you come across solace. Depending on how you feel about the person it can heighten the experience, or it can detract becuase you now you feel that you must share the discovery. But I also suppose that it would depend on the magnitude of the discovery. A sun-painted fall of clear blue water may be enough to create new bonds among the individuals. And a third possibility is to entrust another with what you hold most sacred. Hopefully you think well enough of yourself that you see great worth and have fond feelings for the person. But there is also a great danger in the person showing an ugly face when you are at your most vulnerable. This can be helpful in that it shows the true colors of this person, but there is also a loss becuase you will never be able to make that person forget what you have entrusted to them.

This has been my deepest affliction or at least the most troubling one for me, I have been surrounded by typical people. Typical people are not to be trusted, and you should certainly never stick your neck out for them. They will stand by idlely as you are carried off to the chopping block, or worse yet they will let you carry yourself to the block and not make any mention of it. True friends and companions are difficult to come by. It is a grave mistake to hope for people to be what they are not, and then act on your hopes. You cant blame anyone but yourself, for being foolhardy.

I am a loyal person. I hold friendships as a sacred thing. I want to be able to share my life. I want to help people out, and make a difference in their lives. But you can only pay out so much before you have to get some back. I haven't been getting enough back from the people that have been paying out to. And really, I am to blame for being too loyal and trustworthy to people who do not deserve my friendship.

It is hard when you are surrounded by people that you want to like and let into your close circle, but they simply cant handle having that privilege and not abusing it. I must be more patient. I must be willing to brave loneliness until I come across a worthy friend. I must not be so quick to allow people so close to me, when they are making sure to hold me off at an arms length.

Oh, some more innocence lost. Another example of the cruel harsh reality that we all choose to live in. I say that it is a choice becuase somewhere we got hurt and our mindset changed to "get what I can where I can, and don't worry about anyone but me." Well, I don't think that I can ever be jaded enough to stoop to that. I know I am better than that, and I would be ashamed to ever even think something so foul.

I guess that makes be better than typical. I don't really know. Maybe it just makes me a sacrificial lamb for the wolves. In any case I couldn't live with myself if I let my heart become so cold and small. The only problem with a big warm heart is that it is fragile. And maybe that is not a problem at all, becuase you must let yourself be vulnerable to experience what life has in store for you.

I have found enough streams, meadows and waterfalls that I can share them with some loathsome creatures and not cut myself too deep. But the crown jewels, the pieces that leave you wide open, they are meant to be coveted. But just like a masterpiece that is hidden away in a private collection, you can get a limited amount of joy out of it before you want to share it and spread the feelings of life. It is hard when I have been through so much that I function on a deeper level than most people even know about.

No longer will I lead anyone to my favorite place of solace if I have any doubts about their etiquette. I do have some people that respect the view, but cant appreciate it. It is like sharing your favorite song with the deaf.

I deserve better company.

When you are allowed to gaze upon the sacred soul of another person, make sure to adhere to the backcountry mantra. Leave No Trace.

tossed greens, and the like

A full day in the Beige Garden will set your mind to idle wanderings. Internet, videos, books, studying- all provide a bit of entertainment but there is nothing quite as welcoming as the unbound expanse of day dreams. Most of the time it is about great trips. These trips happen whenever I feel like it, I have no obligations in my dreamed future and can pick up and disappear for as long as I feel. Wandering for a month through the Sierras with only my small pack and wits. Exploring the canyon lands. Rowing for weeks down whatever river will have me. Or maybe it is a trip across Europe in which I couchsurf and live the life of a poor adventurer. The one I like the most is hiking a sled full of rations, fuel, and good books back into the sacred hills and setting up camp in the dead of winter. I then spend everyday exploring and skiing dramatic and beautiful lines, for as long as the oatmeal and tea will last. Or even better yet I have a cozy cabin with a big wood stove and a cot. Ahh... yes. That will do. Yep, I was born a century late for sure.

In all of my dreams I never find a job or career or have any aspiration to make a bank account grow. But I am still attached to the best equipment, and the most remote locations, and a life of leisure. All of that cost money. (on a side note, it is sad that I rationalize even in my dreams.) So what to do, becuase there are few respectable careers that I can have as much free time as I want and make as much money as I need. But why do I need to have a "career"? To make good use of all this education? To pay off the loans? To make my parents proud and happy?

I make use of the education everyday and take great pleasure in that. I don't need to be a intellectual power of note to have satisfaction in my life. The more I think about it, the better idea seems to pass right on into grad school. That would be the prudent choice, and with the given economy, being a student is not such a bad life. But then the loans are much more of a burden and I wont have a choice but to work. When will I be able to chase my young hormone driven dreams? I dont see myself living like a bum for all my life, I want to be able to support my family the same way that I have been supported. But then again if Nate does make it to the big show I wont have any qualms about him paying for elderly care.

Which brings me back to my folks. There is a lot of love between us, but wow, sometimes I feel like we are on just such different levels. They expect amazing things out of me, and I don't feel weighed down by that. I am proud that they have such high hopes for me. But damn, sometimes I think they have forgotten what it is like to be young. I can understand that they have seen their lives flash before their eyes, and are trying to make sure that I am not caught off guard. But the lesson of time has not been lost on me, not recently. Three years in the blink of an eye, and 45 days of eternity. I appreciate that life is short and all I am saying it is too damn short to not take advantage of your youth and naivety. I would rather ignore the harsh realities for a couple of years. I do not have many needs as a single mouth.

By the way Nate will get payed back ten-fold with adventures of a life time with a knowledgeable personal guide. Yeah, I am being a bit self indulgent right now. And to be perfectly honest I dont think I do it often enough. Or maybe more accurately, in ways that are truly satisfying. What good is indulgence when you only get such short lived pleasure out of it? Another American disease that I haven't been able to escape. But I am going to rid myself of that too. Living frugally and saving up for the trip is a lot better than riding the bus, eating out, buying more crap I dont need, picking up new hobbies, being lazy, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But as I had mentioned in earlier posts I am now living in the belly of the beast and it is hard to remain chaste and true when you are surrounded by the visionless short sighted econ-mind brutes. When in the lair of the sloths, it is a everyday fight to not be influenced.

Blah, blah, screw Bush, blah, blah, save humans, blah, blah, blah, free your mind, free your heel, blahb, blahb, blahb, why cant I get away from the MADNESS????

I think that is what draws me to the solitude of the wilderness. The Native Americans had a good thing going. By no means were they all perfect and peaceful, and that lifestyle would never work again with 7 billion people. But they weren't locked into a system that was keeping the body alive longer, and killing the soul faster, and leaving the world a worse place than it was. Now I am talking systematically, their are plenty of people that have broken out of it. I am trying to be one of them. But this system is the type of evil that will not let you live in comfort outside of the system. It is like a black hole with dark unexplainable invisible forces dragging you to your untimely demise. That leaves you with two choices. Run outside the reach of the system, or turn to face that which has you captive with sword un-sheathed and bow drawn tight.

Red Cloud was one of the very few Indian chiefs to fight against the U.S. government and win. He might have been the only one, as a matter of fact. I am sure that his Sioux warrior heart and the battle grounds had much to do with it. I dont have either advantage, but my enemy is already eating itself and I have the advantage of time.

All this rebel talk, and down with the machine, F the man, and everything that goes with that I am certain is my youth and naivety. But even in all my youth and ignorance I can see that some very small changes would foster great benefits, alas it is never as easy as it seems. How I got to this and am reminded of it yet again--I paid $4.50 for gas and just cant believe it. All the while we known this day to be coming for years and all we said was "we'll deal with it when we need to".

Procrastinators!!!! Just ask my girlfriend how I feel about that most loathsome form of human swine.

But, so much for all that. I had wanted to go more into lovely daydreams and try my best to keep up the farce that maybe I can forget or ignore all of the horrors.

Maybe an alert, able, and rational mind is as much a blessing as a curse.

I am not the first one to say that.

humdrumhumdrum 'ka-pow'

It has been a few days since my last post. It has been a busy few days. I try my best to avoid winding myself up in tight mental circles. But sometimes it is just what you have to do to stay on top of everything. Just as long as you don't let everything get on top of you. But tests, and medical problems, and appeasing the state of California of my where abouts has been a strain lately. The everyday struggles of modernity.

I had some strange dreams last night. One was a skiing dream in which it was a great powder day and I was cutting ropes all over the place to get to the un-tracked snow. Then it dawned on me that I shouldn't be doing that, and I was putting myself in un-needed danger and decided to go back to the cut up trails. It was strange becuase I would have never worried about that in reality, and I haven't really come to a good conclusion of what it meant. The other dream started out as me free diving off this amazing reef with some cute tall blonde chick. We had a jet-ski and were crusing around to different spots and checking it out. She then told me that someone was going to come looking for her here, like a dad or boyfriend, and that I would be toasted if i was caught with her. So I took the jet-ski and was getting ready to leave, and right then guardian of the maiden arrived and started to hunt me down. So it turned into a kind of chase, but now instead of jet-skis on water, we were on motorcycles on a track with jumps and banks and the whole bit. I easily ditched the guy chasing me, but now I had joined in some kind of motocross race. I was riding a old beat-up bike, and all of the others were laughing and sneering. But after the race started they were all eating my dust except for the best guy. So I was right behind this superstar and I could see that I was making him nervous, but i could never keep a lead on him and he ended up winning with me right behind him. As the day went on I had lots of chances to qualify for the finals, but every time I ended up in second, even though I was the best rider in all of the subsequent races. So right before the finals, the superstar rider came up to me to meet me and say that he was really impressed. He asked how I did in the other races and I told him that i had "got second twice and a couple of towels".

I am not sure what that means to get towels, but anyways he responded by saying that he wasn't surprised, becuase he could see that I was better rider than him. I wondered about this, but then it came to me. I am faster overall but I was not comfortable leading. I had worked my way up by following the fastest guy and getting better, but now I was so used to following that I couldn't ride fast out in the lead.

So while it is good to follow the guy in front to get a hang of what is going on, but at some point you have to start practicing to be the one out front. There is no longer a specific goal out front to shoot for, and you have to be critical of yourself to get better. It is just different mentally to take the lead and keep riding at your best, it is all too easy to slow down and wait, so you feel that you are doing the same thing as anyone else. But what you have to realize is that when you are out front everyone is envious of you, and you should never lower yourself to others to feel comfortable.

It is lonely on top, but it is depressing and frustrating to not live up to your potential.

dont you wannna talk it out.

Well, another weird day in the Beige Garden. That is the new name for my apartment. The whole place is white, beige, tan, off white, eggshell, etc, etc. It is actually disgusting. I cant bring myself to put up my posters, or do any decorating, becuase I dont want to feel too comfortable here. I moved in to this apartment thinking of it as a half-way house, and I never wanted to call that home. I guess that makes it tough for me to feel comfortable here, or it just makes me tough. Either way, it is too late now and this pigs wallow will always be a beige part of the wild Cali dream. California has been ground zero for almost 4 years now. It is hard to believe that I have been here that long. It all goes by so fast. Not that the fast-forward hasnt been locked down for some time longer than 4 years. I was supposed to be moving on to something different by now. Four years was all the time I had allotted for this mess, and 22 was supposed to be the ripe old age of adulthood. Dreams and ambitions for nothing in particular, leaves you with nothing in particular. But I am moving on, and have moved on. Better for it too. Plans are really more of a guideline anyways. I think the change came when I stopped thinking "someday" and realized yesterday was the chance.


California is one of those special places that has so much to offer, but there is also so much to risk. I guess that there can be nothing gained if there is nothing put on the line. There was a thing that threw me off though. Mortal peril, reputation, or even glory wasn't the the cost to play. There are demands for a lot more to be put on the table to play. I wasn't ready for that, and didn't even know what the wager was until I lost a few hands. I came here as a simple unassuming small town kid and had a big city wake up the hard way. Now I have had my lesson I can start to appreciate this place for what it is. Without that lesson though it is like gambling with pesos, not realizing that those pesos are worth something. They will be removed from your possession with a smile. Survival in the 21th century has little to do with fighting off wild beasts, fighting plague or disease, keeping a roof over your head, or getting enough food. Survival is now fought on a mental battle ground. There are much graver consequences to losing than death.

Everyone is scrambling as fast as they can to just stay on top of one another, that they don't even worry about keeping their own heads above water. And worse yet, have lost sight of which bank to swim towards. No doubt we live in a time of severe tumult and upheaval. But we are not water creatures and will drown.What can be done? How do we make sure we live? Not such an clear question anymore. I think people are starting to get that. And it makes me really happy to see "Economic Stimulus Checks" are being used to pay the rent, and the producers can keep on weeping.

I see the defining moment of the human race not far off in the future. It is make or break, and unfortunately I see so many people that don't know that. Or if they do, they don't care.I guess I shouldn't really expect better from the masses. They are just lemurs (or lemmings, rather) and will follow the one in front of them off the cliff. But it is frustrating. It is hard enough to save yourself, much less save anyone else. Especially when they are not even trying to save themselves. I don't how we are going to get out of this. And I don't think anyone does. But it is just a wall, and the same rules apply no matter how big.


In all honesty though, I have very little care or hope for saving the Homo Sapiens Economicus from themselves. I am going to avoid any nibblings that the beasts want of me the best I can, and eventually they will just end up eating themselves. For my own fate, hmmm...... I dont know. Maybe Ill leave and let the rest squabble over what they want. I feel like it is a good time to become a hermit. I am much better suited for a life of contemplation in the wilderness than all of this madness.


Anyone that is tired of the hamster wheel is free to join me. I would enjoy the company.

great leaping Louis

I have resolved that I need to make my posts shorter. The raving has taken me to some interesting thoughts, but really it has turned into my own little dialogue. Not that I should really worry so much becuase I am not writing for an audience, I am writing for me and would like to be able to share some of these thoughts.

Often I make so many assumptions and leaps forward in logic that I find I leave many conversation partners either confused or wondering how we got to the next subject, when in my own mind it makes perfect sense. This might be a stroke of madness, but anytime that I feel compelled to explain step by step I have found few that can disagree with my reasoning.

I have had people tell me that I am just bright and people cant always keep up with me. Which certainly makes me feel good, but the genius is finely in tune with the madness. And it is often said that you cannot always hear the two separate melodies.

But really I don't mind being a little eccentric if it comes with a quick and able mind. And anyways if you take life to seriously you might not make it out alive. I have always loved that quote and will stick to it until I have found a better way.

Regardless, I dont want this blog to be cryptic. And I dont want to toot my own horn. But sometimes that is just what is going to happen.

So try to keep up.
If you want an explanation, have some courage to ask, I have nothing but time.

"We are Kings among pawns, dont ever forget that. Just becuase you are better, doesn't mean you have to let all the pawns know about it. But you should never be ashamed of who you are."
- N.P.S.

it's in the computer?

I was raised to be a freethinker. I was told that you should never take anything for granted, and that you can come to your own conclusions. I think really most importantly is, your conclusions are the only conclusions. I have spoken to this earlier, but not really in those words. I feel that many of my ideas are all brothers and sisters and that I should be a able to track back down the family tree to a small grouping of ideas. And I suppose this is true, but when you get to those small groupings you can never say everything that you want to, without going into the corollaries of the aunts, cousins, and great-step-nephew by marriage, twice removed.

This leads me to believe that we can not understand the root ideas fully without breaking it down into other terms, which make enough sense given our ape brains. So just like our parents re terming fornication into birds and bees, the whole human race has to break down the big picture just so we can grasp our mind around it.

This doesn't really concern me too much. I have come to terms with the fact that some things just have no explanation. Things that happen by miraculous forces are worth contemplation but don't break your mind over them.

I think of it in this way, you are like a hand and all the great unknown is like a brick wall. The hand can keep slamming against the brink wall for a time, but eventually it is just not going to be pleasant anymore. After you have stopped and rested long enough, you can heal and then start slamming that wall again. But every time you hit that wall there is a bit of permanent damage that will never heal. So if you keep at it long enough, pretty soon your hand wont work at all and that wall wont even have a crack. So the sooner you except that the wall is just stronger, and some things cant be explained, the less you are going to suffer.

Now the other option when your hand stops working is to switch hands, and then when that stops working start kicking, and then when that stops working start kneeing, and then when that stops working start head butting, and then when that stops working just throw your body against the wall, and then when you cant even do that- all your left with is a lot of pain and still no more understanding. And on top of that you have been at this wall for the majority of your life, and you really have no idea what other walls are out there.

Just because you cannot understand doesn't mean that you cant appreciate. So if you come up to a wall, smack it once real hard and it doesn't break, take a moment look it over and say "hmm..... thats interesting" and go look at another wall. You don't have to tear everything down to the building blocks to learn from it and apply it to your life.

Other times you keep at it, and break it down into what you can understand and then it isn't beautiful and amazing anymore. It is like a magic trick, once you know how it is done there is no more wonder, and the subject becomes boring. And unfortunately once you know the trick there is no going back, it will never look the same to you again.

As with everything I have talked about there are a lot of intricacies with this as well. Which walls are worth breaking down? What is a wall, what is a sheet? What if I just cant get around this wall no matter what I try? Those are questions that I cant answer, and wont even try, and besides that kind of takes all the fun out of it, Right?

So hopefully now you can start to see the benefits of being a freethinker.

Freethinkers have banded together for probably all of human existence and just in recent times we have called them conservationists, students, artists, beat poets, jazz musicians, and hippies. The one powerful thing that they have in common is the thought that we is much bigger and important that me. If every person started worrying about his fellow people, then we would have have hundreds of people worrying about a single persons well being, not just a single person concerned only with a single person.

This is certainly idealistic, and maybe it is even an unachievable Utopia. But I think that even small steps towards the unattainable is better than just turning your back and saying "oh well, that will never happen". Well, I stuck myself- here is an answer to what I said I wouldn't answer. Some walls are only walls because we have been told that they are walls, but if you could get enough people pushing on that wall at the same time it might crumble. And even if the remains standing, would you think it better to be pushing against a wall with others, or spend your time pushing against others just trying to get to the wall?

Ha, take that. No more answers for you.

Another great free thought through the ages -- inside of any person, place or thing is everything. If you can look at something, no matter how big or small, with the right eyes you can see everything that is, was or ever will be. This is something that is hard to digest at first, but with closer inspection it can be seen that this has been a commonly held belief among freethinkers for a long time.

Lets take for example the jazz gurus. The truly dedicated all pour their lives into the music, put everything they have into getting that one beat, that one swing, that one moment where everything comes into place and it is perfect. They feel that they can get everything they need out of those moments, and nothing else matters. Obviously, they cant eat the sounds and no living breathing child came from an errant musician fucking his sax. But they achieve total fulfillment, serenity, calm, and reason to live just from those special moments when they can see and make sense of everything, through the music. This could also be said of artists with their life work, students with their potential futures, or great inventors and thinkers with the handful of "lighting bolts" that defines their careers.

Hippies had peace and their drugs. So maybe not as good as music, but music is certainly beter on drugs, or so I have heard. I my mind it goes something like this-"Man, when I took the LSD, I sat a saw the entire universe, through a rose bud, and then I knew, that the whole world could all live in harmony, all of the different colors, creeds and religions, could all live together, if we all just took some LSD, and sat around, singing and carrying on, with peace in out hearts."

I am sure that not all self proclaimed hippies thought this way, but it was the public image that they put out. And I think that it worked for many people, and they found what it was they were looking for. But unfortunately in the 60's everything that had to do with freethinking became attached to the hippies in the public eye. And that turned out to be a problem. There is a laundry list of reasons why the government disliked the movement (I wont do into the theories here, and really you should probably talk to someone who was alive then for a better idea), but regardless hippies became public enemy number one.

This was a huge set back for free thinking. Because now most people were coming into contact with hippies and thus free thinking, at least in the States, through public service warnings about the danger that drugs and radical ideas posed to the "gullible, and innocent" youth of the country. For the most part the majority of the people were never able to make up their own minds about the hippies because the guys in charge felt threatened, and made sure to spread the worst aspects of hippies to every corner of the land. And really the government and corporations had good reason to feel threatened. This whole love revolution had gotten the people to start thinking for themselves again, and as we know the power rest with the people, and people that think for themselves are hard to control.

It is unfortunate that the new movement thrived on free love, drugs, and making a change, because those were easy to point out and "See, see that. Is that what your mother taught you? They are wrong, and dangerous." Even though I feel that the whole movement and idea was that you are free to think for yourself, it got covered over with an easy target and was blasted out of the water before people could figure out what was really going on.

But I am not mad at the hippies, or upset by the downfall of free thinking at that time. They paved the way for a much larger change of guard, and pointed out some pitfalls to avoid. And I think more importantly, people have learned that sometimes it is better to wait things out than to act rashly and harshly against new ideas. Well, OK, maybe we are still learning that, but the gospel is spreading, and this time I don't think that anyone will have the footing or desire to cut it down.

But as with any major change there is going to be a major slip up before we feel it necessary to re-evaluate, and while I think that we have slipped and are falling, we are no where near bottom.

So at this point, hang on tight because we are in for a ride and we must all have faith. Eventually things can and will get better.

Cazart, I just got out of school and want a job, why do we have to do this now??

Thank you to Jerry Levitan and "I met the Walrus" for leading me to this.
There is a great youtube video for it. Check it out.

And while the hippies may have needed psychedelics to come to terms with what was around them, our minds were the true cause and creator of those visions, and drugs are just the easy way to get in touch with that. It is all in there if you take the time to look for it.

something that we can all aspire to

God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars.

The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed - it is a process of elimination.

-Elbert Hubbard

Out of a long list of quotes from the American author, these two stuck enough that I copy and pasted them here.

While I do not consider myself christian in religion or practice, I am a born and bred American which means that I have many christian ideals and morals deeply ingrained into my world view. This is an inescapable fact of anyone who was raised in the ol' U S of A. It could be argued that you were raised under a symbol other than the cross, but I would argue that social influences cannot be dodged. And we have an undeniably christian society.

I do not think of God as a wizened bearded father figure, and I am a evolutionist through and through. But I do believe that there is something bigger than humans happening in the universe, we are not the end all be all, and our primitive brains will probably never be able to understand what it actually is.

While I do not adhere to any religion I am full of faith and spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that we are in this life all alone, and the only way that we can experience anything is through our own senses. But none the less we connect to the others around us, and somehow share the same experiences. I would say that I lean towards Buddhism the most, in that I feel there is one central consciousness that we are all part of and are in touch with, but how we project and tint the blank white light of that consciousness on to our own personal screen is how we are all different people.

So through our experiences and upbringings we are undoubtedly unique and all have a range of tints and screens in which we project onto the screens of our perceptions. But there remains a common sense of what it means to be human, regardless of how you filter out life, and there remains experiences so common that we can call them the "human condition". A set of experiences that are so common among all cultures, religions and styles that it is how we have come to define what it is to be human.

I believe that this light is also projected through animals, things and places, which is why we can feel some kind of emotional attachment or commonality with non-human entities. I have come to this conclusion because I can see love in a dogs eyes, I know of tools that will only work for people in the right mind set, and I have felt the joy, power, serenity, change of the mountain, wood, river, and sky. Somehow, someway, these inanimate or inhuman elements have entered my life and have caused change in me.

But these are just my theories, and they are always open to revision. I dont think that you can come up with a wrong theory about such existential subjects, simply because there is no way to prove what is right. And even if a "correct" path was laid before us, our brains would not be able to reconcile the big picture, and we would fall back to our simplified truths. And in the simplicity lies the beauty.

Hubbard was on to something we he said that we are better judged by the things we have endured, than by the achievements we have realized. As in the common example of a item received versus a item earned, the one you had to work for holds much more value. But while I do feel that the trials that have been faced hold more weight that the accomplishments, I do not think that the achievements should be entirely dismissed. Take for example two people that have the same number and shape of "scars". One of the two people achieved everything that they set out to do, while the other made achieved nothing. They have both been through tha same trails, so we know from a long list of defeats that it must have been tough. So it could be said that they both are very persistent, the first never giving up until successful and the other never giving up regardless of outcome. But what about the moral of either of the characters? The successful chap would believe that anything is within reach, but it will take a lot of work. The perpetual loser knows form experience that his efforts are probably in vain, but he never the less tries, and even more then that, puts in just as much effort as the successful but never tasted the victory. You could say that both are of strong character and optimism, but which one would you feel would be the harder life to live? By the external scars they have had the same life, but what about the scars that cannot be seen? But I guess that a god would be able to see any and all scars, and by our condition that they have the same scars, they would have lived the same life without consideration of the attainment of goals. But can we really say that these two individuals have lived the same life?

So what about Elbert's other great quote. (By the way Elbert Hubbard should not be confused with the wild imagination that created Scientology, that went by a similar name. Also worthy of mention is the Elbert is such a fantastic name, one that graces the highest peak on the Colorado Plateau, and is very close close to my own name sake and history as a Pennsylvanian-Dutch farmer.) OK, back to the point, ah yes. Beauty is attained my slow removal of what is not needed. Well, I can certainly go along with this, but first how do we get all of this stuff built up so that we may sculpt beauty? Surely, we are not born with it? Maybe you weren't, and don't call me Shirley. hahahaha, classic. Thank Mr. Nielsen for that one. I am full of tangents right now. My high school history teacher took great pride in being able to relate any two objects, ideas or anything together in only 8 steps. At first I was shocked and amazed, but after listening to a few of his connections I saw that it was not really too hard to do. You only have to be a little creative, and be willing to make some far-fetched connections. of course high school students were never able to question the vague connections, because they would have been immediately shot down by a well spoken and popular personality in the school. Every dog has his day, and although I would not call this teacher a dog, but he certainly had no shame in cutting into kids a third his age. But I digress once again to how do we get all of this material to chisel away when we couldn't have been born with it. Christians disagree and call in original sin, but think of any child. Their minds are open to everything the world has to offer and quickly latch on to anything that is put in front of them. I believe that this process continues for the rest of our life, but at some point in our twenties we realize that we already have too many things going on. Some are contradicting beliefs, others we have just moved past but we then start to cut back on the up take of new thoughts and start to focus on what we have that is really important. We can then get rid of ones that are really just not that practical in our own lives. So for the rest of our lives we add a bit here and chisel a bit there until we can reach some kind of equilibrium where we have just what we need and nothing more. Since we live in an every changing world it is not easy to stay on one shape for a very long time, and those that do are very lucky indeed.

But for now I am done chiseling away at this keyboard.

clarity

My previous posts up to this point have been somewhat serious. Well, not just somewhat- very serious deep things that I have come across recently in my journey. But that in no way means that I have been in a serious mood for the last couple of weeks.

Actually quite the opposite, I have been in a better mood and have been taking pleasure out of life more than I have for a long time. Being on house arrest and really not having a choice in what i do has allowed to me to search for the smallest things to enjoy. And that is all I have.

It is certainly good practice for any future situation which I need to make the best of. I am getting good at it. And I am looking forward to using it, because surely the most awful situations can be hiding the most amazingly beautiful lessons and truths. It will only take the right set of eyes.

It is something special when you can find a person with the same eyes as yours. It doesn't not take any special explanation or discussion of motives and reasoning, for you both to see what anything really is at its most basic level. I guess this is what people call their soul mate. And it is really independent of path of travel, as long as you can come to a common place and understanding.

I have found that my family has very similar eyes, especially my brother and I. But we have also experienced such different things, and have been traveling on such different paths, that how we come to the same place is nothing short of miraculous. And better yet it provides some of the most awe inspiring lessons that I have had in my life, that even though a person can have no idea what you have been through, they can still see things in your eyes. And by studying how they came to see through your eyes, without the experiences that you have had, can provide some of the mentioned incredible lessons. And by taking a step back and seeing through their eyes for a second you can again find some of the beauty of your "mudane" life that you have been skimming over with little second thought.

So seeing things in the same eyes does not mean that there is only one view of each thing or situation, and that two people happen to share this image. Many people agree on a matter, but will never understand how the other came to see it in that manner. And although they see things in the same way they are not seeing the same things, and cannot allow themselves to see through the others eyes.

Seeing something with the same eyes does not mean that you come to the same conclusion, but that you both see the same details and have similar filters of what is relevant. Each individual can take the details and write a different story, but they can appreciate the others story and even more than that- they can start to understand a person better by the way that the two stories differ even when they are written with the same details.

So seeing with the same eyes doesn't mean that you always agree, and doesn't mean that there are not confrontations and arguments. I adamantly believe that any two people together for long enough time will get in argument, if not, one of the two is not being true to themselves and is too quick to please. It actually makes me very uncomfortable if I cannot find someway in that I differ from someone and thus have arguments with. I have arguments with myself all the time, and I am only one person and am not any different. And I don't think that I am schizophrenic.

At least for me, I like to have some trials and troubles because it makes you feel alive and also gives you a chance to reassure that you actually care. If there are no problems, you must not be caring much for what is happening, and ignoring any problems that might be.

Ok, so this is my second post of the day so I better cut it off here.

Why I never started a blog before is now easy to see, because then I wouldn't have been starting my first one now.

"I got a peaceful easy feeling."

change of season

How does today differ from yesterday?

Yesterday I didnt know as much as I know today, and hopefully, you are a better person because of the knowledge gained.

How is tomorrow different from today?

Tomorrow is only a dream and that can choose to put anything you want into the mix.

Without yesterday there is no today. Without today there is no tomorrow. But today is the only day that we can act, there is no changing yesterday or tomorrow.

It is funny that all of our experiences, which form who we are, live in yesterday. And all of our hope and dreams, which drive us to continue and progress, live in tomorrow.

So we can never really change who we are and we only have today to change who we will become.

Be mindful of what you are today.



It is a big corner to turn when you realize that you are in control of your life. You are the only one that can make anything happen. Lots of people try to have a say in how you should do things but when it comes down to it, only you can make the change.

When you forget this, you are lost. And many people have gotten stuck in what they "have to do". And in reality you dont have to do anything. You can make the choice.

The right choice does not come easy and you have to spend lits of time listening to yourself. this is often the hardest thing to do, because we have been taught that by selfishness is wrong.

But what is even worst is throwing yourself under the bus. Betraying yourself is the most hurtful thing that you can do. It hurts more than any other action possible.

Staying true to yourself is the hardest path to walk, and you will eventually cross others along the way. It is unfortunate that we allow ourselves to be hurt when another crosses over what we believe, because we want to like them and we have allowed ourselves to be fooled by what the other people are and are not. But you cannot fault a man that has chosen to follow his heart.

This could be twisted. If I think it is right for me to cause someone harm, I am justified. Well, Yes. You are justified within your self. But justifications are easy to come by. It possible to come up with a million reasons and justifications why you could do anything you want regardless of how is afflicts others. But there is another crucial part.

Every action has consequences. Sometimes these consequences are precipitated by the law of man, sometimes by the actions of those you have affected, or others acting on behalf of those you have affected, and sometimes you have mental and emotional consequences.

So while we are free to do whatever we feel like, we must understand that we will set into motion a set of consequences by our actions. And once the action is committed the consequences are going to happen, even if you realize that the set of events was not what you really wanted. It is important not to just evaluate the action before you commit, but teh whole set of consquences that come with it.

Often times there are unforeseeable consequences. Whether it be that you didn't not take the time to look for them, or if no one could have predicted the reaction to your actions, you must have the courage and pride in your actions to stand by them and face whatever set of events you have set into motion.

When action is somehow required, or seems to fit, and the consequences are not readily apparent you must weigh the positives to be gained and the negatives to be lost and do what in your heart you feel is right. Regardless of your choice you must stand by the decision and face what may ever happen.

You can decide to not act, but non-actions have consequences as well. There is no way around it, we make a few decisions that set into motion a string of events that may or may not be what you wanted. Once the domino is toppled it wont stop until the last falls. And you are the one responsible.


Nothing is ever so black and white, and there are many intricacies that must be acknowledged. But you cannot begin to comprehend the details before you understand the basics.

For application on a day to day level comprehending will not suffice. Only after you have internalized can you truly understand and act with understanding.


Even so, Amen. (hahahahahahahahahaha)

So today I went back through a lot of my old journal entires. I have never been very good about keeping a journal and this particular notebook of journaling was started back in the summer 0f 2006. I was supposed to be a log for our family trip to the Baltic sea, but it turns out that I only had a few entries. Mostly whining about the bad food on ship, and how I felt like a timid little boy when it came to foreign girls. I guess that it was helpful in that in those few entries I received a flood of memories that I didn't write down and it gave me an idea of where I was mentally. The next time I wrote in this notebook was after my seizure Christmas of 2006. I then kept up with it a bit better and shows a huge transformation in my life from a blundering college frat kid to a deeply conflicted person trying to get back on track and back to the blundering drunkenness, but this time knowing that something was amiss. I was making a considerable effort to make some changes, but the environment of the fraternity and circumstances of being a senior and wanting a last hoora, made it very difficult. Then BANG, huge life altering event.
By taking that golf cart for a joy ride I set into motion a string of events that was well out of my control, and frankly knocked me flat on my face. The next weeks of entries are almost illegible and have lots of questions about what is going on, what went so wrong, and where do I start to rebuild? After a long bout of depression and confusion I am brought out of it finally by my brother and a wonderful trip to Northern California in the Redwoods. So taking probably the darkest and scariest trip I have ever been on I finally came back to.
During this very dark introspective time a read 'Big Sur' by Jack Kerouac. This is really the only, and best, way that I am able to describe the madness and tumult that I felt for the past 2 years. While I had only suffered from this affliction of alcohol and drugs and confusion for a couple of months, Kerouac lived this life for many years and had a considerable heavier nightmarish trip than I did. But my experience was very much the same in many ways, and just as real and terrifying.

But anyway, I came out of it with my head on straight. And that was no minor miracle. And really I have become thankful for my stupidity and the harshness of the county and university, because a brutal blow that sent me crashing down on my most basic beliefs was what I needed. It forced me to remember what it was that I found beautiful in life. It gave me good reason to reevaluate what was happening, and allowed me to make changes and take charge of my life again.

This is one of those things that if you have not been there before you can not truly understand what it means to "take charge" again after you have been on cruise control for a long time. Let me try to explain.
Imagine holding your breath as long as you can underwater, thinking that you can always just go back up for air when you need it, and just when you cant take it anymore and you decide to head to the surface. But you realize that you cant. In your heart you know that if you don't start swimming up that you are going to suffer, but you cannot will yourself to move. The change is far more worrisome in that moment than your lack of air. It has become so easy just to stay where you are, and the movement that it takes for you to get to the surface more effort and corage than you are willing to put out. So it is probably just better to stay where you are, for now and then we will check back in a minute. Anyway i can get back up if I really wanted to. So now you check out and just start to enjoy what is going on again. After a time, you come back to reality and now you are in serious trouble. You have have so little air and energy left that you cant get yourself to move towards the surface. Physically cannot move. 'OK, it is all in my head. I am teh one in control. Now MOVE', but still there is no response. You have become so accustomed to holding your breath and staying still, you don't even know how to will your body to move. By now all of the alarms are going off, and clearly there is something very wrong, but you simply don't know how to move anymore. No matter how hard you try or want to, you cannot save yourself.
So now you start to question yourself 'Did I ever have control?', but that is easily brushed aside. Wait a minute, of course I did. There was nobody else that could have got me here. Your logic tells you that. But now you have opened up the doors of self doubt, and the flood cant be stopped now. Your brain takes the opportunity and runs wild with thoughts, illogical or not, it doesn't matter. All kinds of crazy ideas are coming in and you cant even quite your mind enough to focus on finding a solution to your problem. So what do you do? 'Well maybe it is best if I don't think about this for a little bit, it will come back if I take a break.' But you are still not getting any oxygen, and the muscles wont move, and the doubts continue to run rampant.
The only way that you can get any kind of comfort is by distracting yourself and not think about your problem. By distracting yourself you are forcing yourself to become comfortable with the problem, and trying to continue without ever addressing the fact that you are still not getting any air. But the alarms are still blaring and every time you try to acknowledge you cant focus enough to come up with a solution. So you slip into ignoring the problem, at least then I have some comfort.
Now you have set up a basis and solution for how to deal with problems with out actually having to deal with them, and it comes easier the next time. And with every new problem you start to ignore the harder it becomes to fix any of the problems, because now you have so many thoughts you feel like your head is going to explode. And it is taking everything you have just to not go completely wild and start cussing out everyone and everything, acting like a complete lunatic. But sometimes that is what you really feel like doing, so now it becomes , wow, i am crazy. I have lost touch with reality.' And teh flood gates are fully opened now. So you continue to ignore, suppress, and justify until you can feel some quasi-serenity. But it continues to build and build and build and build until the alarms and crazy thoughts are so loud that you cant cope anymore, and you are institutionalized or you end your own life just so you dont have to listen to those damn alarms or thoughts anymore.

I was lucky enough that by taking the golf cart I got a stiff enough slap in the face that I could break out of the cycle. Through some serious self evaluation, guidance from a very good counselor, and the support of my family and girlfriend, I was able to see the craziness that I had built up to hide my need for 'oxygen' and was able to start breaking them down and get to teh true problem.

So I do not have any great wisdom to share with someone in the battle for their life, except that you are not alone and the battle can be won.

I think this is what I gained from reading 'Big Sur', that I was not by myself in my woes. And that can make all of the difference.

So I am coming up on the 1 month mark since the start of my house arrest. Time hasn't slowed any. Although I cant wait to be done and have a sense of freedom that I am now deprived of. I am glad that this has happened because being able to follow my desires will taste so sweet when it is all said and done. But I have set to a strict schedule of self improvement, and not moping around while I am incarcerated.

So what is it that I want out of life? I think it is some pleasure and satisfaction out of what I do. Pretty much what any living human wants, but with no easy answer. I have long idealized the 'dirt bag' who is , to the outside observer, flying by the seat of his pants but is doing exactly what he wants and has no qualms about who he is. I want to dedicate my life to running free in the outdoors and be able to have a broad knowledge base that I can be of help in ANY situation.

No doubt those are high aspirations, but I am up to the challenge. I have overcome some massive obstacles, and their are plenty more on the way. anyway.

I think i need to allow some of my creative juice out a bit more often. I am not particularly talented in writing, I dont make a note of music- but I have a great appreciation for both. I want to be creating visually stunning pieces. Photography is a good start, but motion is the essence of any outdoor adventure, so I think that film may be the way to go. Use the stills for a taste of the scenery and the personalities of the people, but motion picture of their deeds. I already have a long list of songs that I want to create videos for.

Why I ever decided to study geology is probably the greatest mystery of them all. Now it is easy to give reasons, but at the time I am not sure that it was thought out at all. I might have been better suited with the photojournalism. But i am certainly not too hard on myself for that blunder because that is only a consequence of the many stumbles leading up to that, some of my doing others well out of my control. All of it is a darker period that I now associate with my time at college. I am only a few months out from the madness and confusion, so it has not all been set in my mind, but this probably the best time to really investigate what happened. For now I have arrived at the conclusion that I was too quick to follow the 'right' thing to do, and not even try to get in touch with my gut about the situation. By the time I realized my folly I was already deeply buried and it was all too easy to rationalize it and provide myself with any reason in the world. So in ignoring myself I latched on to some questionable friends. Now don't get me wrong, they are decent people, but I let them lead me blindly into some situations that I never wanted to find myself in. I am in no means blaming them for their actions, they did what was right by them. I was the one that allowed myself to be lured into a life of self abuse that was not what I wanted.

Life in my fraternity was, and still is to the best of my knowledge, one of unbelievable negligence and self destruction. Many individuals have been able to balance the life of partying and having scholastic success. Where the fault comes in that they create a wild party persona that becomes so well known and loved by their peers that it devours who they really are and what aspirations they might have in their heart. This persona is best accessed through excessive substance abuse and it becomes readily apparent how this can, and in many cases does play out. As with any falsity it eventually comes to the surface that this is made up personality, and in general people don't like people who are fake. So as a remedy the persona is again altered, usually with more substance of choice. And it soon spirals out of control. I had spent many parties wandering around aimlessly hoping that someone would stop me. On many occasions I would retreat to my room and sit in the dark just to get away from everyone, wondering what is wrong with me that I need to hide away and pray for some kind of relief. I now realize that it was my guts way of saying that something is not right.

Many have started to consider college as a grounds for binge abuse, which is by no means un-true. But they often say this trend is a way of letting loose with a new found freedom. For a freshman, Yes, this could be the case but it is quick and easy to see that this is destructive behavior. Many come to that conclusion themselves when they wake up the next morning. I know that anyone who has gotten drunk has woken up and said "I will never do that again." But it has become such an excepted practice to go get wasted and have the next day be ruled by your hangover, that it is what people do so that they can fit in.

I believe that this stems for a overwhelming feeling in me that I was inadequate as an individual and needed to have some kind of group to conform to for comfort. I have no inclination where all of this stemmed from, but I think lack of a true inner self-confidence is the modern plague of the college age generation. At least I know this to be true about my own life.

As is often the common warning in medicine, we must not continue to treat symptoms because then we will never get to the cause. College aged substance abuse, on a large scale, is a symptom. Education on the dangers of drinking is simply a treatment of the symptom, and no change in the behavior can be expected by this treatment. Any teenager knows that drinking is bad for your health, but that doesn't not deter them. There is a deeper root, and it is going to take a lot of harsh self inspection on a national level for the cause to show its head. This is not just an issue of the kids, this is everyone.

This may seem all far fetched, but I have just been through the whole experience and have been bluntly forced out of my ways. This has allowed me to come to these new conclusions with out a large gap of time from my experience of the situation.

Well, that was not where I thought this post was going to go.

Enough with the public service statements for now.

Prologue

For some time I have wanted to start a blog, but never felt as I have anything worth talking about for sustained postings. There is no great overall theme that I want to explore. I am adamantly against long raves, although I am sure that I will slip into a few, but I don't want this to be a list of what irks me today. I am going to be using this blog as a bit of a journal. A way for me to remember the everyday happenings of my life, and also to share with others. I find that all of the greatest pleasures are often the ones that are hardest to explain and tie to others experiences. I think that is what makes a normal pleasure into a great pleasure, the personal uniqueness. It is an American thing to say that we should all revel in our own individuality and celebrate ourselves. But I think it is better to appreciate ourselves and celebrate others, so that we can better contrast our own life against the world. So allow me to try and project my life onto the blank sheet and may you gain some insight, revelation, or just entertainment from the small amazing things of my life.