So I am coming up on the 1 month mark since the start of my house arrest. Time hasn't slowed any. Although I cant wait to be done and have a sense of freedom that I am now deprived of. I am glad that this has happened because being able to follow my desires will taste so sweet when it is all said and done. But I have set to a strict schedule of self improvement, and not moping around while I am incarcerated.

So what is it that I want out of life? I think it is some pleasure and satisfaction out of what I do. Pretty much what any living human wants, but with no easy answer. I have long idealized the 'dirt bag' who is , to the outside observer, flying by the seat of his pants but is doing exactly what he wants and has no qualms about who he is. I want to dedicate my life to running free in the outdoors and be able to have a broad knowledge base that I can be of help in ANY situation.

No doubt those are high aspirations, but I am up to the challenge. I have overcome some massive obstacles, and their are plenty more on the way. anyway.

I think i need to allow some of my creative juice out a bit more often. I am not particularly talented in writing, I dont make a note of music- but I have a great appreciation for both. I want to be creating visually stunning pieces. Photography is a good start, but motion is the essence of any outdoor adventure, so I think that film may be the way to go. Use the stills for a taste of the scenery and the personalities of the people, but motion picture of their deeds. I already have a long list of songs that I want to create videos for.

Why I ever decided to study geology is probably the greatest mystery of them all. Now it is easy to give reasons, but at the time I am not sure that it was thought out at all. I might have been better suited with the photojournalism. But i am certainly not too hard on myself for that blunder because that is only a consequence of the many stumbles leading up to that, some of my doing others well out of my control. All of it is a darker period that I now associate with my time at college. I am only a few months out from the madness and confusion, so it has not all been set in my mind, but this probably the best time to really investigate what happened. For now I have arrived at the conclusion that I was too quick to follow the 'right' thing to do, and not even try to get in touch with my gut about the situation. By the time I realized my folly I was already deeply buried and it was all too easy to rationalize it and provide myself with any reason in the world. So in ignoring myself I latched on to some questionable friends. Now don't get me wrong, they are decent people, but I let them lead me blindly into some situations that I never wanted to find myself in. I am in no means blaming them for their actions, they did what was right by them. I was the one that allowed myself to be lured into a life of self abuse that was not what I wanted.

Life in my fraternity was, and still is to the best of my knowledge, one of unbelievable negligence and self destruction. Many individuals have been able to balance the life of partying and having scholastic success. Where the fault comes in that they create a wild party persona that becomes so well known and loved by their peers that it devours who they really are and what aspirations they might have in their heart. This persona is best accessed through excessive substance abuse and it becomes readily apparent how this can, and in many cases does play out. As with any falsity it eventually comes to the surface that this is made up personality, and in general people don't like people who are fake. So as a remedy the persona is again altered, usually with more substance of choice. And it soon spirals out of control. I had spent many parties wandering around aimlessly hoping that someone would stop me. On many occasions I would retreat to my room and sit in the dark just to get away from everyone, wondering what is wrong with me that I need to hide away and pray for some kind of relief. I now realize that it was my guts way of saying that something is not right.

Many have started to consider college as a grounds for binge abuse, which is by no means un-true. But they often say this trend is a way of letting loose with a new found freedom. For a freshman, Yes, this could be the case but it is quick and easy to see that this is destructive behavior. Many come to that conclusion themselves when they wake up the next morning. I know that anyone who has gotten drunk has woken up and said "I will never do that again." But it has become such an excepted practice to go get wasted and have the next day be ruled by your hangover, that it is what people do so that they can fit in.

I believe that this stems for a overwhelming feeling in me that I was inadequate as an individual and needed to have some kind of group to conform to for comfort. I have no inclination where all of this stemmed from, but I think lack of a true inner self-confidence is the modern plague of the college age generation. At least I know this to be true about my own life.

As is often the common warning in medicine, we must not continue to treat symptoms because then we will never get to the cause. College aged substance abuse, on a large scale, is a symptom. Education on the dangers of drinking is simply a treatment of the symptom, and no change in the behavior can be expected by this treatment. Any teenager knows that drinking is bad for your health, but that doesn't not deter them. There is a deeper root, and it is going to take a lot of harsh self inspection on a national level for the cause to show its head. This is not just an issue of the kids, this is everyone.

This may seem all far fetched, but I have just been through the whole experience and have been bluntly forced out of my ways. This has allowed me to come to these new conclusions with out a large gap of time from my experience of the situation.

Well, that was not where I thought this post was going to go.

Enough with the public service statements for now.