well shit

hmm..... my blog has been a bit boring lately huh? whatever, i hardly have time to take a breath much less sit around writing random thoughts, although it can be a nice exercise. i am a bit jealous (i guess) of people who can allow themselves to take a leisurely attitude. i have harped on this before but i really wish i was less ambitious, or maybe just more willing to make myself happy. i dont know, i have a voice in my head that tells me to keep working hard and take opportunities as they come but i also have a deep desire to let loose a little and start enjoying things more. its something i have been struggling with fro some time, and to be frank it was very nice to not have any pressure. coterm is so tempting but i am afraid i might go crazy if i do that. the reality is that i am still a student at 22 and i still feel like i am waiting to start real life. that brings up the important question of what is real life? what is not real about the life that i am living now? i am not entirely sure, but there is one thing for certain is that i need to get out of this mind set. whenever i get stuck at the end of a quarter i want nothing more than to be gone, be in the next stage f my life, to let loose a bit, and take it easy. yeah, ok, a coterm is a fantastic opportunity, but at the same time it seems like a lot more than i can swallow. internal tumult. i have a feeling that i will beat myself up over this in the future. why couldnt i just tough it out and stay fro one more year of crazy intense grad classes and writing a long thesis? should be easy right? big cost, big reward. i think i might as well apply and then decide after i know if i got in, but at the same time keith was very clear that i should know what i want, and that it will be way too difficult to try and do it if i am not one hundred percent in. yeah, i guess doubts are not a bad thing. i would like to get that extra glory but i dont know if i am ready to pay the blood. as a matter of fact i am sure i dont want to pay the blood, but is it worth it?

no time for writing becuase i am too busy worrying