hidden artwork

The excitement of writing for this blog has worn off, and I suppose that the time gaps will be much more erratic from here on. I had original said that I was writing this for myself, and that others may take some pleasure in it. Well, many times I had an audience in mind, otherwise I wouldn't have gone into such long explanations or allegories. Also, a few of the posts are rather uninspired and just lack. I cant expect myself to have great things to write about all the time, so why force it?

I just finished reading The Book of Tea, which is a interesting piece of history and insight into tea culture in the orient. I was drawn to read the book by Kerouac, or more specifically Jaffy. And no doubt the book goes into great lengths to present the proper way to enjoy the simplicity and beauty of life, but I also found the author to be very defensive and making many moral arguments. I think that he lost sight of the prospect of simply describing the culture surrounding Tea-ism, and allowing the reader to decide. I looked back on some of my writings and found that it wasn't enough for me either to allow the details sing their own song. I had to put my own spin and suggestions to the reader, making it very clear that I did have an audience in mind. But I also believe that my personal experiences are what give my thoughts any sway.

So what is it about Buddism, Zennism, Taoism that has such a specific appeal to me? Maybe it is my search for calm, and a sync between mind, body and soul. Maybe it is the fact that I find the most beautiful things to be the ones that defy description, and that any attempt to write them down is a vain stab in the dark. That is much of what those religions speak to, it has to be your own story. Explanations can maybe help one come to their own conclusions, but you can never force someone to see with your eyes. But at the same time I feel some of the beauty of the realization is lost when you are lead to it.

When you stumble upon a brook, or a particularly welcoming meadow, on a walk in the woods, it can feel as though you are the first one to lay eyes on this place. In a way it becomes a sacred or a special destination and moment of discovery. It is an entirely different feeling to have a companion when you come across solace. Depending on how you feel about the person it can heighten the experience, or it can detract becuase you now you feel that you must share the discovery. But I also suppose that it would depend on the magnitude of the discovery. A sun-painted fall of clear blue water may be enough to create new bonds among the individuals. And a third possibility is to entrust another with what you hold most sacred. Hopefully you think well enough of yourself that you see great worth and have fond feelings for the person. But there is also a great danger in the person showing an ugly face when you are at your most vulnerable. This can be helpful in that it shows the true colors of this person, but there is also a loss becuase you will never be able to make that person forget what you have entrusted to them.

This has been my deepest affliction or at least the most troubling one for me, I have been surrounded by typical people. Typical people are not to be trusted, and you should certainly never stick your neck out for them. They will stand by idlely as you are carried off to the chopping block, or worse yet they will let you carry yourself to the block and not make any mention of it. True friends and companions are difficult to come by. It is a grave mistake to hope for people to be what they are not, and then act on your hopes. You cant blame anyone but yourself, for being foolhardy.

I am a loyal person. I hold friendships as a sacred thing. I want to be able to share my life. I want to help people out, and make a difference in their lives. But you can only pay out so much before you have to get some back. I haven't been getting enough back from the people that have been paying out to. And really, I am to blame for being too loyal and trustworthy to people who do not deserve my friendship.

It is hard when you are surrounded by people that you want to like and let into your close circle, but they simply cant handle having that privilege and not abusing it. I must be more patient. I must be willing to brave loneliness until I come across a worthy friend. I must not be so quick to allow people so close to me, when they are making sure to hold me off at an arms length.

Oh, some more innocence lost. Another example of the cruel harsh reality that we all choose to live in. I say that it is a choice becuase somewhere we got hurt and our mindset changed to "get what I can where I can, and don't worry about anyone but me." Well, I don't think that I can ever be jaded enough to stoop to that. I know I am better than that, and I would be ashamed to ever even think something so foul.

I guess that makes be better than typical. I don't really know. Maybe it just makes me a sacrificial lamb for the wolves. In any case I couldn't live with myself if I let my heart become so cold and small. The only problem with a big warm heart is that it is fragile. And maybe that is not a problem at all, becuase you must let yourself be vulnerable to experience what life has in store for you.

I have found enough streams, meadows and waterfalls that I can share them with some loathsome creatures and not cut myself too deep. But the crown jewels, the pieces that leave you wide open, they are meant to be coveted. But just like a masterpiece that is hidden away in a private collection, you can get a limited amount of joy out of it before you want to share it and spread the feelings of life. It is hard when I have been through so much that I function on a deeper level than most people even know about.

No longer will I lead anyone to my favorite place of solace if I have any doubts about their etiquette. I do have some people that respect the view, but cant appreciate it. It is like sharing your favorite song with the deaf.

I deserve better company.

When you are allowed to gaze upon the sacred soul of another person, make sure to adhere to the backcountry mantra. Leave No Trace.