humdrumhumdrum 'ka-pow'

It has been a few days since my last post. It has been a busy few days. I try my best to avoid winding myself up in tight mental circles. But sometimes it is just what you have to do to stay on top of everything. Just as long as you don't let everything get on top of you. But tests, and medical problems, and appeasing the state of California of my where abouts has been a strain lately. The everyday struggles of modernity.

I had some strange dreams last night. One was a skiing dream in which it was a great powder day and I was cutting ropes all over the place to get to the un-tracked snow. Then it dawned on me that I shouldn't be doing that, and I was putting myself in un-needed danger and decided to go back to the cut up trails. It was strange becuase I would have never worried about that in reality, and I haven't really come to a good conclusion of what it meant. The other dream started out as me free diving off this amazing reef with some cute tall blonde chick. We had a jet-ski and were crusing around to different spots and checking it out. She then told me that someone was going to come looking for her here, like a dad or boyfriend, and that I would be toasted if i was caught with her. So I took the jet-ski and was getting ready to leave, and right then guardian of the maiden arrived and started to hunt me down. So it turned into a kind of chase, but now instead of jet-skis on water, we were on motorcycles on a track with jumps and banks and the whole bit. I easily ditched the guy chasing me, but now I had joined in some kind of motocross race. I was riding a old beat-up bike, and all of the others were laughing and sneering. But after the race started they were all eating my dust except for the best guy. So I was right behind this superstar and I could see that I was making him nervous, but i could never keep a lead on him and he ended up winning with me right behind him. As the day went on I had lots of chances to qualify for the finals, but every time I ended up in second, even though I was the best rider in all of the subsequent races. So right before the finals, the superstar rider came up to me to meet me and say that he was really impressed. He asked how I did in the other races and I told him that i had "got second twice and a couple of towels".

I am not sure what that means to get towels, but anyways he responded by saying that he wasn't surprised, becuase he could see that I was better rider than him. I wondered about this, but then it came to me. I am faster overall but I was not comfortable leading. I had worked my way up by following the fastest guy and getting better, but now I was so used to following that I couldn't ride fast out in the lead.

So while it is good to follow the guy in front to get a hang of what is going on, but at some point you have to start practicing to be the one out front. There is no longer a specific goal out front to shoot for, and you have to be critical of yourself to get better. It is just different mentally to take the lead and keep riding at your best, it is all too easy to slow down and wait, so you feel that you are doing the same thing as anyone else. But what you have to realize is that when you are out front everyone is envious of you, and you should never lower yourself to others to feel comfortable.

It is lonely on top, but it is depressing and frustrating to not live up to your potential.