tossed greens, and the like

A full day in the Beige Garden will set your mind to idle wanderings. Internet, videos, books, studying- all provide a bit of entertainment but there is nothing quite as welcoming as the unbound expanse of day dreams. Most of the time it is about great trips. These trips happen whenever I feel like it, I have no obligations in my dreamed future and can pick up and disappear for as long as I feel. Wandering for a month through the Sierras with only my small pack and wits. Exploring the canyon lands. Rowing for weeks down whatever river will have me. Or maybe it is a trip across Europe in which I couchsurf and live the life of a poor adventurer. The one I like the most is hiking a sled full of rations, fuel, and good books back into the sacred hills and setting up camp in the dead of winter. I then spend everyday exploring and skiing dramatic and beautiful lines, for as long as the oatmeal and tea will last. Or even better yet I have a cozy cabin with a big wood stove and a cot. Ahh... yes. That will do. Yep, I was born a century late for sure.

In all of my dreams I never find a job or career or have any aspiration to make a bank account grow. But I am still attached to the best equipment, and the most remote locations, and a life of leisure. All of that cost money. (on a side note, it is sad that I rationalize even in my dreams.) So what to do, becuase there are few respectable careers that I can have as much free time as I want and make as much money as I need. But why do I need to have a "career"? To make good use of all this education? To pay off the loans? To make my parents proud and happy?

I make use of the education everyday and take great pleasure in that. I don't need to be a intellectual power of note to have satisfaction in my life. The more I think about it, the better idea seems to pass right on into grad school. That would be the prudent choice, and with the given economy, being a student is not such a bad life. But then the loans are much more of a burden and I wont have a choice but to work. When will I be able to chase my young hormone driven dreams? I dont see myself living like a bum for all my life, I want to be able to support my family the same way that I have been supported. But then again if Nate does make it to the big show I wont have any qualms about him paying for elderly care.

Which brings me back to my folks. There is a lot of love between us, but wow, sometimes I feel like we are on just such different levels. They expect amazing things out of me, and I don't feel weighed down by that. I am proud that they have such high hopes for me. But damn, sometimes I think they have forgotten what it is like to be young. I can understand that they have seen their lives flash before their eyes, and are trying to make sure that I am not caught off guard. But the lesson of time has not been lost on me, not recently. Three years in the blink of an eye, and 45 days of eternity. I appreciate that life is short and all I am saying it is too damn short to not take advantage of your youth and naivety. I would rather ignore the harsh realities for a couple of years. I do not have many needs as a single mouth.

By the way Nate will get payed back ten-fold with adventures of a life time with a knowledgeable personal guide. Yeah, I am being a bit self indulgent right now. And to be perfectly honest I dont think I do it often enough. Or maybe more accurately, in ways that are truly satisfying. What good is indulgence when you only get such short lived pleasure out of it? Another American disease that I haven't been able to escape. But I am going to rid myself of that too. Living frugally and saving up for the trip is a lot better than riding the bus, eating out, buying more crap I dont need, picking up new hobbies, being lazy, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But as I had mentioned in earlier posts I am now living in the belly of the beast and it is hard to remain chaste and true when you are surrounded by the visionless short sighted econ-mind brutes. When in the lair of the sloths, it is a everyday fight to not be influenced.

Blah, blah, screw Bush, blah, blah, save humans, blah, blah, blah, free your mind, free your heel, blahb, blahb, blahb, why cant I get away from the MADNESS????

I think that is what draws me to the solitude of the wilderness. The Native Americans had a good thing going. By no means were they all perfect and peaceful, and that lifestyle would never work again with 7 billion people. But they weren't locked into a system that was keeping the body alive longer, and killing the soul faster, and leaving the world a worse place than it was. Now I am talking systematically, their are plenty of people that have broken out of it. I am trying to be one of them. But this system is the type of evil that will not let you live in comfort outside of the system. It is like a black hole with dark unexplainable invisible forces dragging you to your untimely demise. That leaves you with two choices. Run outside the reach of the system, or turn to face that which has you captive with sword un-sheathed and bow drawn tight.

Red Cloud was one of the very few Indian chiefs to fight against the U.S. government and win. He might have been the only one, as a matter of fact. I am sure that his Sioux warrior heart and the battle grounds had much to do with it. I dont have either advantage, but my enemy is already eating itself and I have the advantage of time.

All this rebel talk, and down with the machine, F the man, and everything that goes with that I am certain is my youth and naivety. But even in all my youth and ignorance I can see that some very small changes would foster great benefits, alas it is never as easy as it seems. How I got to this and am reminded of it yet again--I paid $4.50 for gas and just cant believe it. All the while we known this day to be coming for years and all we said was "we'll deal with it when we need to".

Procrastinators!!!! Just ask my girlfriend how I feel about that most loathsome form of human swine.

But, so much for all that. I had wanted to go more into lovely daydreams and try my best to keep up the farce that maybe I can forget or ignore all of the horrors.

Maybe an alert, able, and rational mind is as much a blessing as a curse.

I am not the first one to say that.